Wednesday, 21 November 2012

I haven't talked about university for a while so here goes.

Originally I was sure that I wanted to go into Media and felt that was the career path I wanted to follow, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do more with my life. So I went to university but on a whim decided to do joint honors with Criminology as I had always loved cop shows and am quite an academic person. After the first year I dropped media from joint to minor because I felt from the course that was offered that I hated it and discovered that I loved Criminology. Now in third year a new tutor has arrived and has said that we haven't been taught the things we should have been. So today we did a tv studio session where the small group of us that attended got to have a go at every role that it was possible for us to do with the equipment we had to film and direct a live chat show. And.... was amazing.

It was everything I had wanted to do when I first joined university. But I dropped Media to my Minor and have majored in Criminology so the degree I come out with won't be a media one. I love Criminology and I am so glad I chose to do it as a subject but I feel like this is a splitting point in my life. One path goes one way and the other goes a different way. Actually its more like the paths have split and I'm on one looking at the other.

Is the police force really the right path for me- a highly macho, conservative environment that's about doing what you are told and not thinking outside the box? I know that's a very biased view of it, the positive view of it fits me perfectly but I can't ignore the bad and that's not me.

I am creative, I do love creating media for all the reasons that I love criminology but if I choose the wrong one now I don't think I will ever get on the other path again.

I commentate at the local companion dog show every year and I love it, I love the buzz. I love standing there in front of a whole crowd, doing interviews with the competitors and spectators, imparting knowledge while still trying to keep everyone engaged and the fun of having to think on my feet for 2 hours, talking non stop, sink or swim. And I want to feel that buzz for the rest of my life, whether it is as a presenter or as a director or as a writer. Mr N (tutor) always makes the joke that he looks forward to hearing a radio play produced or written by me one day. That was always a joke because to me it seemed so distant, like something I couldn't achieve in any world ever but now suddenly it feels real. Like there is an alternative universe where I will go on and be like John Finnemore and write a radio comedy that makes it onto BBC Radio 4 and do sketch shows and be creative and happy and brilliant. And I don't think I am currently in that universe where that is my future and I'm not sure I want to be in the one I'm in.

Yesterday I was looking at Masters courses in Criminology. Today I don't even know if I want to do Criminology ever again.

I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I think I have nearly driven my flatmates to distraction/murder with my violin playing and I've picked the skin on my hands and lips raw. But on a plus note my violin playing has been the best its ever been, turns out to make me less mechanical in my playing I just need a complete and utter life crisis.

Monday, 12 November 2012

I am officially a Mr!

Good news! The university have agreed to change my title on the university system from 'miss' to 'Mr'.

 Turns out that the letter that I sent attached to my name change document got 'lost' somehow as they have no record of having it and so were completely unaware that I wanted to change my title. I thought I was going to be in for a big struggle with them again and that they were going to insist on a gender recognition certificate before they made any more changes to my details. They were very apologetic, which may be slightly to do with the fact that they were responding to an email about my title that a tutor sent.
What I should be worrying about at uni

I think this shows just how much of a difference it makes  having help and support from tutors. I have two tutors who have my back on this issue and  it makes such a huge difference to my life for the better. I can go into university and not have to worry about it being me against the world, I don't 
have to worry that if something goes wrong that I will have to get myself out of it on my own. I now can sit around and worry about the things that everyone else worries about; essays, assignments, seminars etc...

I have no idea how I will show my appreciation to my tutors (Mr N and Mr D - for the sake of anonymity) who have gone out of their way to help and support me. I only wish I had confided in them earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of stress and anxiety.

 Due to negative experiences in the past and stereotypes learnt from hearing stories of other peoples bad encounters it is really easy to misjudge people and assume that they will not be supportive. One of the things I am learning is not to assume that everyone will react negative until they go out of their way to actively demonstrate to me that they will not. It is a delicate tightrope to walk as I also can't forget that for many people following a similar path to me choosing to confide in the wrong person has had terrible consequences.

 There is always that fear there, that someone will react aggressively, even though I know most people would never react violently or negatively - yet those who would look identical to those who wouldn't. Everyone is like Schrodinger's cat in this instance - they are both negative and positive before I open my mouth and talk to them and find out first hand if they are supportive or not. 
We have the same poker face

Sometimes it feels like a too much of a risk to assume that the person in front of me will react positively (even if that is what is statistically likely) as what I risk loosing if they turn out to be negative and non-supportive is too much of a gamble. However, I am glad that I made the leap of faith with these two tutors, I guess sometimes in life when you take a gamble you come out on top.